What follows are words that attempt to describe the mystical. Do not gloss over this prose. These words share the principles behind our experience of life. Like the light before it hits a prism, it might not look like anything at first glance. Yet, it hides a vibrant rainbow of depth.
Read this post with an open and relaxed mind.
Think of the words in this book like song lyrics. Listen for the melody behind the words. Tune into the feeling of the music.
Kicking My Own Ass
I felt like a boxer in a ring She said I wasn’t meeting her half way, but I was going to the final round Battered and bruised, I soaked every single strike I thought I was showing my love by fighting my heart out Cut, bleeding, it hurt all the more when she said I wasn’t even there for her How could that be even remotely true? I didn’t want to be triggered into the defensiveness and the anger, so weary of the fight, but I couldn’t seem to help myself Pulled into the fray by an unseen force, I was an unwilling puppet still yanked around by strings There were moments, in between rounds when it was all so surreal I felt like an actor in a play waiting backstage for the next cue I couldn’t resist the siren call of my own fear and hurt Just as I felt like giving up, I asked to see more than the helpless frustration that blinded me I pleaded from a space of knowing that there was something I was missing It hit me, not like a punch, but a burst from from the inside: the realization I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it sooner: Never fighting an opponent, I only ever fought with myself I was kicking my own ass I used the power of thought to hurt myself I struck out at myself with my own fears, insecurities, and self consciousness She was right How could I meet her half way when I was beating myself into a corner? I didn’t mean the mental self harm I was just reacting to the flashes of pain It didn’t matter where they came from, the power of my consciousness made me feel every single strike The power of thought is neural We can use it for ourselves just as easily as against ourselves We do not control our thoughts They come to us from a creative process of the mind An incredible power, thought creation is a constant stream: one after another Each thought attempts to serve in some way Some lift us up Some create a solution Some protect The mind does not give you painful thoughts vindictively It does not know what will truly help so it offers options “How about this?” It creates more of what you habitually give energy to While you can’t control the thoughts that pop into your head, you do have power over which ones you enliven You also have the ability to focus on your thoughts, hold onto them, and even fight with them. Yes, fighting thoughts gives them power There are times that you lose your clarity Your consciousness brings your perspective in close, making you unable to differentiate between you, what you think, and how you feel A trick in the natural operation of consciousness that we all fall into Me too It was so real to me that wife was making me upset The emotions vivid You can convince yourself the world outside determines your mood Traffic, bills, relatives, and lovers push your buttons in a repetitive dance What if our reactive feeling only repeats because you think in the same way? You can start to see through the mirage when you look closer and notice that the hits of life never land in the exact same way What steams your kettle one day is only lukewarm the next The difference: thought What if the only variable in our experience of life is thought in the moment? How I felt when I argued with my wife didn’t come from the words she said but from how I thought about her words I had so much insecure thinking, worries about being wanted, that I evaluated her every word and action for hints of rejection It is easy to burn what you examine with a magnifying glass under the glare of the sun Through my expectation and evaluation, I created the mental reality I wanted to avoid No wonder we couldn’t connect I saw her responses through a filter of my own self consciousness In my low mood No amount of affirmations or affections would have been enough Once I realized this I tried to explain “Don’t you see what this means . . . I don’t have to fight anymore.” For me, the fight was over After that day, the insecurities, fears, and doubts that plagued my relationship dissipated Now, I see and feel when I use thoughts against myself Most of the time, I simply stay out of the ring. If the old, stale thoughts do show up, I call a truce with myself and let them pass I can drop the fight Even knowing all this doesn’t stop me from sometimes losing perspective, but I don’t get so deeply lost in the pain anymore The hurt guides me back to myself Instead of holding on to it for days or weeks, I can let go in hours True mental health is not an absence of upset We are still human after all Mental wellbeing is found when we let go of what hurts more quickly Don’t keep your own suffering past its expiration date If you feel locked in a constantly battle with emotions, in relationships, to improve yourself, and to be ok, Ask yourself, “What am I not seeing here?” Get curious to if you are operating under the distortion of your own painful thoughts Like I was, you might be battling with yourself Every moment offers a fresh opportunity to drop the fight and reveal the peace within
This prose is from a work called the Violet book. Read the previous installment.
This work is based on my own insights, the insights of other teachers, and the work of Sydney Banks and the 3 Principles Understanding. Sydney Banks had a 9th grade education and worked in a factory until he had an elightenement experience. He then became a renouned teacher, speaker, and mystic. Listen to Sydney Banks speak. Learn more about the 3 Principles.
Please help me help more people have a rich experience of life.
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